It’s time you learned the truth.
If apple pie is your favorite pie, you’re basically an American hero. And you’ll never have to prove it by doing a heroic act; people will just know by seeing you eat the pie. In fact, if anyone sees you eating apple pie they should thank you for being a true patriot.
If pumpkin pie is your favorite, there’s a good chance you’re incredibly good looking. Scientists have yet to figure out why, but attractive people tend to gravitate toward pumpkin. People are walking by you asking, “Who is that person shoving pumpkin pie into their mouth? Cuz daaaaaaaayumn they look good.”
If pecan pie is your favorite pie, it means you radiate an aura of joy to those around you. If you’re in the room, eating pecan pie, other people will be like, “What is this feeling? Is it gas? No… It’s joy!” And it’s all because of you.
If cherry pie is your favorite, it means you’re just a really good, quality person. You should probably be put in a museum of awesome people. But that would be kind of creepy, like a human zoo. I mean, you’d be free to take breaks and leave the museum from time to time, but you have a life to live. So, just keep eating cherry pie and let’s never speak of this again.
Sugar Cream Pie
If sugar cream pie is your favorite, it means you’re the kind of person people just enjoy being around. And you don’t even have to try really hard or shower them with falling dolla bills. In fact, most people would probably rather hang out with you than get showered with falling dolla bills.
Sweet Potato Pie
If sweet potato pie is your favorite pie, it means you have an incredible inner strength. Your inner strength could rip a phone book in half or punch a wild boar. You’re tough enough to put up with all the yahoos who say, “Isn’t sweet potato pie basically the same thing as pumpkin pie? What’s the point?” Your inner strength could end those fools.
Strawberry Rhubarb Pie
If strawberry rhubarb is your favorite, it means you’re probably extremely talented. You’re just naturally gifted like that squirrel that can water-ski.
Coconut Cream Pie
If coconut cream is your favorite, it means you make really good choices. If you had two kids and you had to choose which one to keep for some horrible reason, whatever you decided would absolutely be the right choice.
If custard pie is your favorite, it means you’re a leader. A doer. An eater of custard pie. A taker of no prisoners. You’re the kind of person people want around when things go wrong with your firm, custardy, egg-like presence.
If blueberry is your favorite, it means you’re a warm presence to anyone you encounter. You’re like a giant, human cup of cocoa or a tiny, human fireball.
Key Lime Pie
If Key lime pie is your favorite, you can best be described as “fresh to death.” You’re cool. Real cool. Ice cool. Pre-global warming cool.
Chocolate Cream Pie
If chocolate cream pie, or any chocolate pie, is your favorite, that means you possess a keen wisdom beyond your years. When fools step to you, you immediately school them with your street smarts. The knowledge that no dessert flavor can compete with chocolate is very powerful. Be careful not to use it for evil.
Lemon Meringue Pie
If your favorite pie is lemon meringue, then you’re just fun. In the dictionary, under the entry for “fun,” there’s probably a photo of some balloons and maybe a dog wearing a hat, AND a photo of you. How did they get that photo? I don’t know, but you’re not gonna worry about it because you’re too busy being fun.
If chess pie is your favorite, it means you keep it real. You’re not walking around acting all fake, saying fake stuff like, “I love your shoes!” Because those shoes are ugly and everyone knows it.
Banana Cream Pie
If banana cream pie is your favorite, it means, without a doubt, you’re a really genuine person. Your friends and family should probably have some kind of certificate of authenticity for you. You may also share qualities with the rapper Ginuwine, whose 1996 hit “Pony” will never be forgotten.
If peach pie is your favorite, it means one thing: You really know how to live. You justknow. You should teach a master class on just livin’. In Ja Rule’s 2001 single “Livin’ It Up,” he was talking about YOU specifically.
If blackberry pie is your favorite, it means you’re probably a really good friend. Your friends are probably the luckiest people on earth because a blackberry pie-loving friend is basically a 10 on the friend scale, developed in the late 1800s by Sir Edward Friend to quantifiably measure friendship.
Peanut Butter Pie
If peanut butter is your favorite pie, there are two main things people should know about how you live: 1. Large 2. In charge. Everyone else is living these small-medium, not-in-charge lives while you take a bite of peanut butter pie and say to yourself, “Yes, I CAN have it all.”
You don’t like pie.